Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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