don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
