I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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