she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
