i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
