The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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