for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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