he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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