Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
