Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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