I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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