I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You have to summon your inner elephant
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
