I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
she looked like the before picture.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
