1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
