sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
