Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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