Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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