You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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