your parents love me but you hate me
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
