Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I faked an abortion last night.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize