i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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