I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
