i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
