You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
