Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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