My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
