I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
