You smell like a Billy Joel song
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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