GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
