I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
