pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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