They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
