Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
