i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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