You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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