Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
