If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
