Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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