I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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