Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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