just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Green mimosas i think yes
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
