I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
