u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
