She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
