the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
