i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize