He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
