I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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