I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
