Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
