If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
