Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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