just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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