Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
my poor anus
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
