the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
