Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
