from now on my penis is your penis
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
