He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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