I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
