I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
