The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
