Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Is it because I queefed?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
