I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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