South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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