Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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