I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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