Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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